The Last Time I Saw Her
by Jilly-chan
Summary: Alternate Reality. Nicholas Wolfwood returns to his childhood home to find the woman that he loves. He's not the only one who's changed. (Trigun/Utena/Gundam Wing) written as a gift for Rachel


The Last Time I Saw Her  
  
By Jillian Storm  
  
(Disclaimer: Golly, here's an odd one, but enjoyable to write! A great deal of the credit that can be claimed must be handed over to my dearest and longest friend, Rachel-and what I have managed to compile here is dedicated with much mushiness and love to her. Enclosed is an alternate reality tale that crosses over characters from Utena, Gundam Wing and Trigun. Lyrics are from Gordon Lightfoot's ballads "The Last Time I Saw Her" and "Softly." He definitely inspires the romantic side. All mushy, angsty and then happy for Rachel's enjoyment and at her suggestion. Ack, and now I want to write a sequel. I must get these long fic ideas out of my system.)  
  
  
  
"Nicholas."  
  
Then louder.  
  
"Nicholas!"  
  
I realized then that I had been staring for some time at the rose I held between my fingers. It was still attached to the bush, full in bloom, glistening in the day's light. The red blossoms testimony to the long work that the brothers had put into the outer garden. I wondered when they had been planted. Nothing like them had been at the church when I had left it.  
  
"Dear Lord, Nicholas," I felt his hand strongly pull me back from the bush, the crimson petals slipping through my fingers even as I turned to face my old friend. His blue eyes still sparkled with impatient affection. "Nothing changes, does it?" Duo Maxwell shook his head, "You're going to make me late for everything."  
  
"Hmm," I rubbed my chin thoughtfully, not that I needed much thought before retorting, "I seem to remember being fairly equal with you as far as who was the guilty party."  
  
"That may be true," Duo shrugged. The maniac grin he wore still permanent, the humble brown robes a new choice of garb. "But Father Himemiya would always blame me anyway."  
  
"It's not my fault you couldn't keep a straight face," I tucked my hands into the pockets of my coat, "Although it seems that you're taking other things quite seriously now." Gesturing with one hand.  
  
"Oh this?" Duo raised his arms, letting the length of the sleeves slide down to his elbows. "I haven't made any long term commitments, but a lot has changed since you left, Nicholas." We had passed from the gardens and were crossing the last field before entering the abbey. Again I was struck by how little had changed, my feet took paths that if I closed my eyes might have also been there just yesterday and the day before. Forgetting the conflict that I had seen and the pain men could cause, discovered in the years I had left the shelter of those sun-bathed walls. Here I was warm. And the sky overhead was bright blue, unlike the stormy skies I'd endured at the sea.  
  
As I turned my face down from the welcoming sunlight, I happened to glance at a window as we passed on our way to see Father Kushrenada. Settled halfway in the shadows, I saw a girl I had in no way been able to forget.  
  
The last time I saw her face,  
  
her eyes were bathed in starlight  
  
and her hair hung long.  
  
The last time she spoke to me  
  
her lips were like the scented flowers  
  
inside a rain-drenched forest.  
  
Duo must have noticed that I'd been distracted again. He chuckled lightly and commented, "She never left. Not even after her uncle passed away and Father Treize came to oversee the abbey."  
  
"She seems well." I said briskly. Looking away and quickening my step.  
  
"In fact, she's not only devoted herself to studying with the others here. Those roses you were so fascinated with as we came in are partly to her credit. She's been often in the company of our herbalist." Duo laughed trying to keep up with my hurry, "I'm sure you'll see her soon enough."  
  
I wasn't certain how I felt about that. I knew, suspected, half-hoped that she might have stayed. Might still be in the village if not the abbey when I returned. But while my intentions toward her had been most humble and earnest in the past, the man I had become had no right to her any longer. Nor could I hope for such rights. Not after what I had seen. Not after what I had done.  
  
"Father Kushrenada!" Duo knocked twice before barging into what had been Father Himemiya's study, library and office when we were children. 'We have a visitor."  
  
The room was poorly lit, and what light did manage to come in from the window was thick with particles so that I could just make out the features of Treize Kushrenada. He had been writing at his desk, feathered pen poised, his head tilted up just enough that he could appraise his company from under his dark eyebrows. Under his scrutiny, I felt discomfort in my worldly clothes, dark coat and dusty boots.  
  
"Back from fighting so soon?" Father Treize said, not unkindly.  
  
I put my arm down to block his immediate perception of the short sword I still carried. I'd always been fascinated by how the short sword might look so much like a crucifix. Not unlike the decoration next to Father Trieze's shelving. Only swords did not hang on walls.  
  
"It's been four years." I said, "I am through with fighting."  
  
The way he nodded relieved me. He understood and I could stay as long as I needed. "Share a room with Duo, that way he can also familiarize you with the current customs, exact meal times and such." As we began to step out, Father Treize beckoned me once more, "Wear whatever clothes are comfortable to you now, but put away the sword. You will not need it here, Nicholas Wolfwood."  
  
I nodded. That was part of the reason why I had come. And the rest. The rest of the reason was clouded with doubt and uncertainty. As unworthy of her as I was by that point, I had to see her again. Because as a boy, I had loved Anthy Himemiya.  
  
But that was so long ago  
  
that I can scarcely feel the way I felt before,  
  
and if time could heal the wounds  
  
I would tear the threads away  
  
that I might bleed some more.  
  
I ate quickly, with many glances at the door. Fearful after seeing her once that she might slip up on me unannounced. Catch me unprepared and without words carefully selected. She had been a kind and beautiful girl, careful not to laugh when I forgot what I had meant to say. Usually saying things that I didn't mean at all. Even as her green eyes shimmered with affection and forgiveness.  
  
Green eyes. I had forgotten how green they were until that meal.  
  
"You must be exhausted, Nicholas," my friend had pushed back from his seat at the table. Smiling contentedly. I tried to smile back, wondering what I might have been like if I had stayed behind. Stayed at the abbey with Duo and Anthy. "You've hardly said a thing or shared a story. I seem to remember it was all we could do to keep you quiet."  
  
"You have a strange way of remembering things," I chuckled around my last piece of bread, "I might have misspoken upon occasion; however, you were the one guided to practice lengthy silent prayers . . ."  
  
"I'm still working on that actually," Duo's smile softened affectionately, "It's too much watching you eat, almost like you never left. I'm sure you must feel awkward as well."  
  
I nodded, again glancing at the door. But the person who entered was a stranger. A boy perhaps a few years younger with a shocking carrot top of unruly red hair. He hovered on the balls of his feet, before spotting my companion and dashing over with a sudden rush of speed like a released fox.  
  
"Brother Maxwell, Duo," The boy spoke rapidly, taking the next seat and leaning forward so that his many necklaces began to swing free from his white collar, moving in rhythm with his impatient breath. "You wouldn't think it inappropriate of me to visit Miss Himemiya now, would you?"  
  
"So you can quarrel with Utena again?" Duo raised his eyebrows, resting on one elbow and putting his chin on the curled fingers of his upraised fist. "Last time, I do believe you ended up in the pond, Tasuki."  
  
The boy blushed quite red with indignation, "Utena's gone to the village now. I checked . . ."  
  
"But you shouldn't really visit Miss Himemiya without some sort of third party present," Duo raised a finger and I recognized the teasing lilt in his tone that was only encouraged as the young man began to glower at the increasing obstacles. That alone almost relieved my building concern. Had Anthy found another suitor? "What if Nicholas went with you?" Duo slapped his hands together, triumphantly and drawing the attention of a few of the others who were still eating. "That way Nicholas could visit with others while I finished my tasks for the day and you could still visit Anthy before the sun sets and Utena returns."  
  
A bit taken back by the suddenness of the proposed visit, I protested feebly. Unrehearsed to refuse Duo's charming idea. The red-headed Tasuki also seemed perplexed, and unable to voice his own disapproval. That was how I found myself walking back toward the room with the window where I had seen her briefly that afternoon. Reading by the window.  
  
Duo had given us the sparsest of introductions. The brash boy was the son of an aristocrat who had come to stay for a short time. Only his father's return was put back when letter after letter delayed his coming. Tasuki's father, unlike myself, was staying with the battles. Consequently, Tasuki said very little to me, glancing at me with unashamed dismay and frustration.  
  
When he knocked on her door, and the latch was lifted, I could feel the air around me grow thick with dread and anticipation. The way she pulled open the door, her fingers were still curled around the edge. Their color deeply tanned with the color of one who spent many hours tending the gardens. An earthy parallel to the grass-like green of her eyes that opened a little wider with shock.  
  
"Tasuki." She said, then with a puzzled addition she spoke my name, "Nicholas."  
  
"Princess," Tasuki said with charm, "May we come in?"  
  
The last time I walked with her,  
  
her laughter was the steeple bells  
  
that ring to greet the morning sun,  
  
a voice that called to everyone  
  
to love the ground she walked upon,  
  
those were good days.  
  
She stepped back, letting the door open farther also. Tasuki entered first, his features carrying an eager smile. I hesitated. The boy was already taking a seat, and I could barely move my feet as I stood there with my automatic smirk trying to hide my discomfort. A reflex. She waited just a moment before saying, "Won't you come in?"  
  
Suddenly released, I did step inside. And the memories. This was the same room she'd used before. Four years ago when I had last visited. When I had aspirations of becoming a deputy to the sheriff, not the common soldier of my distant lord. When I had aspirations of asking Anthy to marry me, not fear her loss to another man. But wouldn't another man be more worthy of her?  
  
The breeze coming into her window promised a cooler evening. Anthy sat in her seat again, setting her parchment, ink bottle and pen onto the nearby table.  
  
"Have you been writing?" Tasuki asked comfortably.  
  
Her smile was so becoming that I was undeniably jealous she had given it to him, "Earlier I was, but tonight I was hoping to draw some pictures."  
  
"You still draw?" I asked, dumbly. Unable to think of anything to say, feeling Tasuki's presence strongly. Wondering where to begin and where we might have left off.  
  
She turned to me, taking the time to blink before answering, "Yes."  
  
The disrespectful snort that came from Tasuki's neglected direction was overlooked as just then Anthy's dear friend decided to return home. The slim, tomboyish girl gave me one glance before tackling me hard with an affectionate embrace. "Nicholas, you have come back to us. Fool, why did you ever leave and make me worry?"  
  
"Utena," I was relieved to see her. Utena's parents had been loyal servants to the king, but her misfortune was to have been orphaned at a young age. We had been like siblings as I had never known my parents and had grown up in the same orphanage until we were brought into the abbey to study and work. That was what led us to meet Anthy Himemiya, the delicate niece of our benefactor. But while Utena had continued to stay by her side, I had made the choice to leave her.  
  
Not that I hadn't hoped it to be otherwise.  
  
The last time I held her hand,  
  
her touch was autumn,  
  
spring and summer, and winter too.  
  
The last time I let go of her,  
  
she walked a way into the night.  
  
I lost her in the misty streets,  
  
a thousand months, a thousand miles.  
  
The most vivid memory that I had held to while leaning against a tree, a stone wall, the back of my fellow soldier-that memory was the last moment I shared with Anthy before taking the sword and leaving with the other men from the village to meet those opposed to the king. When the evening breeze was still so warm that we could not imagine the true chill that a war might bring even to our small, insignificant home.  
  
She had spread her skirt out so that only her ankles and the shoes, toes skyward, had been visible. Her berry brown arms crossed into her lap. A few flowers spilled into the dress and she was quickly weaving them together in the fading light.  
  
"We should go back," I had suggested stupidly, unsure how to keep her any longer than was proper. And knowing that before the sun rose again I would be with a group of men heading east to meet it.  
  
"Not quite yet," She had declined demurely, still exercising her caution and eternal patience. Finishing her crown and then lowering her chin to settle the flowers over her hair, dark and wavy. She had turned to smile at me, although the lines of the expression were sadder than I had imagined.  
  
But I had no power to act on my emotions, the duty to my country had overwhelmed all my other senses and I drowned in the inevitability of that calling, "Tell me to stay." I asked, putting my hand over hers and leaning in. Peering through the new shadows to try and find her eyes which had lowered to watch where I had touched her.  
  
"I . . . I can't . . ." She whispered, then pulling her fingers out from under mine, she used the same hand to pull up her skirts. Stand quickly. And dash into the night. Her crown of flowers slipping to the ground.  
  
When other lips will kiss her eyes  
  
a million miles beyond the moon,  
  
that's where she is.  
  
But that was so long ago  
  
that I can scarcely feel the way I felt before,  
  
We had never declared love, being too young to know what that meant. But the memory of her under the bouquet of wild flowers haunted my sleep like a comforting angel. Warmly pushing away the mud and the cold. The shivers of nearby death stealing the souls of my fellows indiscriminately while we slept. Her smile the morning sun, until I remember that she had gone. And I was miles away from where she might be-unbound to any promise for me. Quite possibly in the courtship of a better man.  
  
Not that I could blame the hot-headed young man, Tasuki, for being smitten with her charms. Although, I had to admit that his innocence might make him a better match for her. Even if he was a bit un-tempered.  
  
We passed an hour in polite company. Tasuki answering the questions about his father's current whereabouts and his own opinion regarding strategic advantages for the country. Utena warmly entertaining me, while allowing me to give vague answers to her specific questions about the war. Anthy watched that conversation carefully, making me loathe the past four years anew. How must I have sounded to her?  
  
"Must we only talk about the war?" Anthy said quietly.  
  
To which Utena exclaimed, "Why no! My apologies, Anthy. It's just with Nicholas having come home from there. And we're so glad to have you back." She added, smiling warmly at me.  
  
"Yeah, and exactly why did you leave?" Tasuki asked pointedly.  
  
"I was finished with fighting." I answered, knowing that it sounded thin. Knowing that the truth was too sordid to understand. And that part of the answer was the unspoken resolution I meant to seek from the woman who seemed to desire above all things that the war be forgotten that evening.  
  
"I wish my father would say the same," Tasuki said with a weak grin, and I warmed to his boyish concern. "I wish he'd stay."  
  
With those words, my gaze came around to Anthy-who had fixed me with an inexplicable stare.  
  
"Perhaps I should go," I stood, realizing the hour was becoming quite late and wanting to see Duo again before we both slept and he rose to his morning duties.  
  
"Duo has missed you as well," Utena nodded, "And we'll all have to make sure to share you equally then."  
  
"Certainly seems like your time will be full," Tasuki laughed, standing as well. "Of course, Miss Himemiya, I will see you at the Sunday service."  
  
"Yes," Anthy did not move from her seat. One hand hovering near her art supplies however pulling one page over another. And I realized we had long kept her from finishing her work.  
  
I said as much, in the way of an apology, "You should have said something and we would have left you sooner." But whatever I had said only caused her eyes to narrow and I departed feeling that unyielding shame. I could only cause her dismay it seemed.  
  
and if time could heal the wounds,  
  
I would tear the threads away  
  
that I might bleed some more  
  
Duo was reading when I returned to his room. Again, it was the same room we had shared four years ago. I marveled at how time had seemed to stand still in this place, while elsewhere it rushed forward all at once so that it was all one could do to keep standing.  
  
"How was your visit?" Duo looked up, watching as I began to take off my unnecessary clothes and sat on the edge of my bed.  
  
"Utena came after a while, and young Tasuki has more opinions that our current leadership about how this country should be established and maintained."  
  
As I spoke, Duo had leaned back where his bed met the wall. The room was small so the distance between us was not great. His eyelids closed as he began to speak, "If you think the boy is opinionated, you should have met his sister, Priss, who left us to rejoin her mother. Tasuki stayed and developed an attachment for Anthy not long after you left. He's a well- raised boy despite the rough exterior. Therefore, he's drawn to her natural gentleness. Like you are."  
  
I furiously unlaced my boots. Trying to let my short hair shield the flush coming to my cheeks.  
  
"Not that you're as obvious, of course!" Duo added hastily, laughing at my discomfort it seemed. "You always went out of your way for Anthy, that was why it came as a surprise to us all that you accepted the call to arms."  
  
"The sheriff was leaving as well," I began, letting the past fuel my excuses, "I wanted nothing more than to be his deputy."  
  
"Ah," Duo nodded, some of his brown hair coming lose and nodding by his face. "But, I always thought it was more that Sheriff Kiryu wanted nothing more than for you to be his deputy. That's why he always entertained to practice sparring with you. He admired your talent."  
  
"My talent for killing."  
  
"No," Duo said, with a puzzled look, "Your talent with the sword impressed him, but more so your sense of justice. Your ability to quickly appraise a situation and act accordingly."  
  
'Talents I was clearly meant to use." I said, not following Duo's intent.  
  
"Tasuki isn't the first suitor, Anthy has had." Duo said simply, "And since she has no other family, to marry would be best for her. Still she's waited. Maybe it's time to use your talents in . . . "  
  
Again, it felt as if my heart had extended to fill my throat, my head, my ears. But before I could melt into any confessions with my old friend, a light tapping came at the door. Sharing a quick glance, I went to the door. Wondering who might come so late.  
  
"I couldn't sleep without speaking with you." She spoke without reservation and I was caught off guard by her sudden appearance. Finding myself without anything to say. "Come for a walk?" She asked.  
  
And after seeking out an approving shrug from Duo, I followed Anthy out, to the gardens, into the night.  
  
Softly she comes,  
  
whispers the breeze with her passing,  
  
in secret love she is laughing,  
  
softly she comes in the night.  
  
Softly she sighs, sweetly she lies, never sleeping.  
  
Her fragrance all in my keeping,  
  
softly she comes in the night.  
  
"I prayed for your safe return." She said, speaking first although a million attempts were rehearsing themselves on my lips.  
  
"Then that is what kept me safe," Was my reply, recalling the memories of her that refreshed my step as our horses had failed us through the winter advance. The faint recollection of her smell satisfying the constant edge of my hunger. The floral fragrance that was all too real and intoxicating at that moment.  
  
In the darkness, I could no longer see her as much as sense she was there. In the same way that I had imagined her at my side night and again. Only this time, her voice was speaking words I could not have anticipated.  
  
"I also decided that I never wanted to see you again."  
  
"Never?" I said dumbly after a cold silence. The warmth of my heart that had ignited in my brain had suddenly sunk into the lowest part of my stomach becoming a pit of dread.  
  
"Never." She repeated, "But you were never far from my thoughts. You see, each sketch I tried, each outlined face, each flower I penned somehow became a portrait of you. No matter how I tried to distract myself, let myself be distracted . . . the shape of the jaw, the curve of the nose, the slant of the eyes. It was you, Nicholas."  
  
We'd come to the shallow pond, where I could almost see the green hue of the algae full across the surface. A warm blanket over the reflection of the stars, much like the clouds hid the moon that night. She stopped, and it was all I could rationalize to accept that now was four years later. Four years after I had seen her last, in that very spot.  
  
"Anthy," I confessed, fearful that what I said next might hurt her, "I've changed. I'm not the same boy who left here that day. I've seen things, done things, thought things . . ."  
  
"Things." Anthy repeated, her tone resolved. "Many things have changed me as well, Nicholas. I am not the same girl."  
  
"Then what . . ." I asked, hoping she would have an answer for me, "then what is there to try? To hope for?"  
  
"Things to come." Anthy said, her tone surprised me as it was affectionately light. I turned toward the sound, even though I could hardly perceive her slight form next to mine. I did not realize she had moved until I felt her slip her fingers around mine.  
  
"May I ask?" She began.  
  
"Anything," I spoke over her, then worried that my interruption might dissuade her request, hesitated.  
  
"Now, will you stay?"  
  
In many ways, without speaking. I told her, yes.  
  
Down the darkened hall,  
  
I hear her footsteps on my stair,  
  
and she is in my arms once more.  
  
Then softly she goes,  
  
her shining lips in the shadows,  
  
whisper goodbye at my window,  
  
softly she goes in the dawn.  
  
the end. 


End file.
